Still Waiting

Monday, August 27, 2007

hmmm.. just feel like blogging some stuff. so here they are.

sometimes when things are over, everything falls apart, it's just so hard or nearly impossible to mend the pieces back and go back to a normal life. no matter how much effort you put in from now on, it's quite futile i can say.

when things are over, they are. i've finally moved on after 2+ whole years. without YOU.

there are several incidents that i can remember clearly and vividly.

the time when i begged you to come to PRSS homecoming dinner. it's just 40 bucks. i don't know why the hell you cant afford it. i know you're not working that time. but come on, in just a few days or weeks, u'll be starting on your relief teaching and you can easily earn back the 40 bucks in less than a day! and again, you missed out. you're going next year right? well go then. enjoy by yourself.

i asked you out on a saturday night to meet me and hui lin at a bar. you said you have to stay at home to mark your books or whatsoever. fine. but that night, you met up with your classmates for dinner. you told me there was only one girl there who needed your company badly. what about us? excuses.

preparation of prom. i realised the 4 of us have been exchanging so much ideas on prom night and you were the only one out. we don't even know what you were doing, what you're planning on and stuff. we're like totally unrelated.

the many times on saturday that we wanna meet up... you always have your tuition on, family stuff on, be it gatherings or just accompanying your mum. nevermind.. family first k? i know there's nothing much to say about all this but i just cant help but feel sore... everytime it's family first. when can it be friends first? for once which happened on my birthday.. but for twice can?

of cos i know the time when you were supposed to meet up with the rest to do my scrapbook..you agreed happily but in the end... your fatigue got the better of you. others' sacrifices to meet you quickly and accomodate you in tampines was in vain.

sentosa trip is another one.. however that was tolerable cos it's just after my birthday and i was so glad and happy that you came.. that g6 can finally be a group together after so so so long. but we managed to have a fun time without you.

after taking A level results, thought perhaps G6 can have an outing again.. but.. classmates. sometimes i really wonder if your classmates are the important ones or us. but apparantly and obviously there's NOTHING for me to wonder about, its plain simple that we're out of your priority list.

and finally the chalet is the limit. i cannot understand your actions. ok fine. save on your 25 bucks and we will pay for your share. fine? you PROMISED me a saturday, just a saturday. is that so hard? all the effort to shift away your tuition lessons are in vain. gone down the drain! the empty promise was something i can never stand. yeah.. of cos i will come and meet you all..that was what you said. but did you do what you said? firstly, i'll come after dinner to stay over. secondly, i'll meet you all for clubbing. thirdly? i'm so tired i think i'm not coming. fourthly, i cannot afford the chalet cos im not as lucky as you. great. im so lucky to receive all the shit from everyone huh? that day i was hurt terribly by you, if you don't know yet.

i don't deny hurt comes from love. i admit. i love you as a friend. so much that perhaps your actions hurt me most and i just cannot accept them. but from now, i will pick up the pieces and continue living, taking you as a lost friend that i can never find back. it's kinda sad that things have to end this way just like how i've been seeing it.

however, even if you know about these, i think it's quite pointless. a leopard never changes its spot. not that im saying anything bad about you, or you're mean or whatever, but i guess its just a character that has been deep rooted in you ever since we gradually drift apart. i've tried so hard to bring to you about this matter. letter, msn, sms..forgave you, try to include you in outings... but seem like you never took the initiative back then. kept having so many appointments. but now, excuses. after so much, i'll take no more initiative, and will not expect you do. even if you do, your presence alone can make me feel awkward. we are different people now. we don't click anymore. it's pointless.

i cant help but admit i feel very hurt writing all this.. i know that you will be hurt. but yet im 100% sure there's nothing you will do(it's not a matter of want. you want but you can't). and in my heart you've became someone who will feel upset but do nothing to salvage all these. oh yes, it's all too late to salvage now anyway. (when i say this, i mean it. don't try to find any one of us to pour your woes to and make the person persuade us to understand someone like you. cos i'm at the point where i don't understand you anymore. do you treat us like your best friends anymore? would you regret not doing your best and waiting for things to become better if one of us died one day? but one thing for sure. i do regret not telling you all these much earlier in our JC days..)

yeah.. i've longed bade goodbye to this friendship.

-when are you coming back? ;